It will come as no surprise when I begin this by saying I’ve had a few extremely hard weeks. Back in full swing of university life with deadlines, a hectic timetable and no money.
A couple of times in the last few weeks I’ve been wanting to write a new blog post, but once I’d started, I found that the words just were not coming to mind. So finally tonight I have thought of the words that have been stuck inside my head tormenting me for the last couple of weeks…
First of all, as if I didn’t already have enough hospital and doctors appointments to attend, I went for my yearly check up at the opticians. My eyes have always been bad since I was a kid. I have weird eyes, and I’m always told about my weird eyes. However, my weird eyes weren’t the issue this time. My nerve is inflammed and the pictures of my weird eyes need updating. Obviously, I instantly presumed that this was RA. It’s not, or at least it shouldn’t be. So now I have to go visit the eye clinic to make sure I don’t have a brain tumour (I don’t have a brain tumour but its funny to say this and watch peoples faces).
I also went for an MRI scan on my whole spine and my pelvis joints. I got the results of these and although it shows theres no persisting inflammation (aka my medication works), it does show that 2 of my spinal discs are worn. Not a big issue, what bothers me more is that I have to go see a physio/occupational therapist and get some exercises to make my back less painful and so I can still walk in 5 years time. This doesn’t sound bad until I realised that I’d have to do these exercises every single day (cos I TOTALLY have time for that!). Like I’m not busy enough anyway.
Maybe I got old and grumpy, or maybe I’m fed up. I suspect a bit of both. For the last few weeks I’ve been physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have no energy, I’m all bunged up and I just want to sleep all the time. 8 hours sleep isn’t enough, infact I reckon I could sleep for a solid 2 days at this point and I’d still be exhausted when I woke up. I’ve tried everything I can think of to try liven myself up, but still nothing. I feel like maybe it’s because I’ve been so stressed about everything lately that my brain is just never switching itself off for a rest or reboot. On the odd occasion that I’m pain-free, I’m stressing about something, or I have awful heartburn, or I can’t sleep due to stress or the reoccuring weird nightmare about being trapped in lifts that I keep having.
Speaking of my nightmares, I’m not a believer in this kinda stuff, but out of interest I googled the meaning of being trapped in a lift, or the lift breaking and falling but never crashing. The results were that something seems to be happening too fast, or that I feel stuck in a certain path or direction I have taken and I’m uncertain of the ending. The people in the lift at the time can help to narrow this down to specific life points. 4 out of the 5 times I’ve had this dream, it has contained a person also doing my degree. So for the last month, with everything thats been occuring, I’ve been questioning so much whether I’m doing the right thing. Maths teacher was never the plan. Teaching was always the plan, but maths was never the subject. Did I want to be a maths teacher, or did I want to be a teacher but in another subject? Or maybe after all this time, swimming coaching was the right thing for me all along. Not really the ideal situation to be in almost half way through my degree. 21 is a young age to become a fully qualified teacher. So maybe a Masters or PhD is the way to go for me after this degree to give me time to decide what I actually want to do with my life. Maybe I’ll even end up back at a college doing A levels again or maybe a BTEC, who knows! I guess, like everything, it’s just a long waiting game.
I think this is the longest one to date. So well done and thank you for reading. Feel free to give me suggestions for any issues raised in the post, they’d be much appreciated! x
fightingrablog 